A bull "shat" on the philosophy!!!

With the conventional world, that our forefathers have built, around us, we get to see the unconventional way of living in very rare circumstances. Some of them are simple, no harm done nor any drastic deficiency of the physical needs. You just have to change your view. But, some are fatal, they kinda diminish you in every possible way, so that you will have to struggle and fight back your way into the world.
There are lot many rules we need to oblige, a peculiar pattern we need to set to live a life that has some moral values. But there exists only one simple mantra to survive, "live and let live". No matter how trendy you may become, how worthless the sentimental values have become in this modern world, a human being should have compassion to his/her fellow beings. Without it, you might as well get naked and roam around in the jungles and hunt your food like the rest of forest kind.
Being proud of an achievement is one thing, but what are you proud of and moreover why are you even proud when you are leading a meaningless life, only you dont know it! You are so damn proud of yourself that you dont want to bend your head a little to jump away from the manhole you are heading to. What would be the result, i mean where would that possibly lead you to? New heights, nah, you go spiralling down a shitty hole.
People chose from a variety of lifestyles and lead them. But most of them, almost of them contain a certain fear of being embarrassed at accepting the truth. Facing the truth is the most effective way of moulding yourself. Truth might be hard, it will be hard, you have to accept it even if it hurts you. Accepting the truth doesn't mean that you have to live with it everyday. You can accept and get on with it and try to change it.
Most of these truths have a subject common in them. well, i am just saying, in most of them. Sex. three simple letters formed to create a world of love, passion, addiction, pleasure, luxury, crime and immoral lifestyles.
Well, that's an example i can come with, but still the truths behind the aspects of sex or related to sex are the ones that most of the people are ashamed to face, embarrassed to accept, unwilling to cope up even if it eventually pops up.
Some even go as far as believing in their arrogance and thinking that it is their ignorance and since ignorance is bliss, they can lead a blissful life as far as they say far away from the truth. See, this is what makes lives complicated. I am not telling to leave your responsibilities and walk around naked, shagging, screwing or getting screwed and leading a wild life. Our ancestors have already done that and got civilized.
The point is, never make yourself believe in something without accepting the truth first. Or there is no difference between you and delusional, depressed sack of meat. Accept the truth even if it makes you feel ashamed, the aftermath is worth it. You get to change yourself and lead a life without having any embarrassing secrets.

P.S: this is bullshit philosophy. and i accept it. LOL

Insanity redefined......!

The music is on, one moment there is the lakme flower duet and then the next it changes to the glitch mob remix of seven nation army. I haven't been noticing the playlist, but i have been imagining a peaceful life listening to the opera. But this remix beat shakes me out of my reverie and within seconds i'm thinking of booze, wild parties and untimely insanity. Life has been offering a new twist everyday, a new adventure awaiting every morning.
This adrenaline rush, it never stops..
the hunger it just grows stronger, not of food but of blood..
the nerves strain, muscles pull, eyes glower with lust.
This torture, this madness, it doesnt flinch when i see the prey,
Sanity just vanishes, thoughts merge, giving me clarity,
i'm no human anymore ostensibly an animal, wandering though deserted streets, calling and looking for its prey. this game, its exciting, enticing, invigorating. I'm deprived of all senses by the end of day, not knowing whether i have to sleep or not. Insomnia grips me hard, this energy , its exhausting to carry, to spend, only the fear of losing the next day's adventure makes me close my eyes forcefully!
"may be the age" says my father, looking at me with horror, as make my appearance with dishevelled hair, flailing, staggering on my steps, grunting all the way.
To kill, to tear through the flesh with just teeth, to peel the skin off with bare hands , to bath in blood, to kiss the mistress, beating the shit out of her, to play with fate, to enjoy pain, to torture with pleasure, to laugh at the problems, to run when world wants you to stop, to show off at the jealous bystanders, to tell them to shove their D's in their respective arses, to make fun of the powerful, to just spite them out of interest, to fight out of amusement, to bewilder the guests, to kick the authoritative, to be the dictator. Yes, the thought hangs there...in middle air...i just gasp and grasp with my fingers of imagination and see myself hauling the dead bodies of the greed, relatives of fools into cemetery.
This insanity is redefined as i try to find my way back to write after a long time of withholding the urge. this play of words has not ended, it's just the new beginning as i start my new era of an "achiever's" life!!! 

Ghost in the deserted city

When the sun is alive and the darkness fades,
the wandering ends and i crawl under the shades,
When the moon is reborn,
I become the cold of death, searching, waiting, for the victims to stop by my humble facade.
I wander and wander until i find someone to surrender,
I dont taste wealth for it is bland,
rather i find the love and compassion of a soul, intoxicating.
There were days when people believed in love,
those were the days when i filled my alcove.
Soon the lives became complicated, making it tough for the relations to exist, neither i was the reason nor any other but the mankind itself.
Now, I am nothing but a lonely ghost wandering in the deserted city, for it has lost its fame in the whirling fires of selfish flame. Wars came and went, taking the lives before i had the chance to prey on them. My clan thought we were the ones whom the humanity feared, but it became clear that the humans feared no other than themselves. Filled with greed over money, lust and power, they brought havoc. the days of wisdom are long gone. I do not hear the stories of legends anymore, rather being a ghost i became sick of hearing the same wailing cries of lost lives, fighting for a chance, wishing for a gulp of air, sip of water. Slowly and slowly, the demons too dissolved, ghosts found peace in their degraded bodies. I was left alone since i had no idea where my body was too.

When the sun is alive and the darkness fades,
the wandering ends and i crawl under the shades,
When the moon is reborn,
I become the cold of death, searching, waiting, for the victims to stop by my humble facade.
I wander and wander until i find someone to surrender!!
Under the hood i wait, with my empty eyes,
for there is nothing but hollowness left in the world to fill the gap!!!!!

Stinky Shitty System: thesis of an NITian

Abstract:
NITs, IITs, IIMs, Research institutes, Labs, there is a never ending list of prestigious educational institutions in India. This article deals with an overview of my life at an NIT, my actions and their consequences. Do no think I'd be writing about material and methods and validation of my experiments with educational system.
Introduction:
After a strenuous struggle for a week, I cracked GATE, which was fortunate considering the time i spent to crack it, but still unfortunate since i got into a nightmare for 2 years of endless struggle, I'm finally going to breathe of air of freedom in less than 2 weeks to come. My name is Anudeep Krishna Bheemineni, as my blog profile indicates. I have been doing my post graduation here in this NIT for the last 21 months. Got to say, when i first stepped into this prestigious institute, I did not feel an awe or was struck with mesmerizing view of scholars streaming through the gates. It seemed normal. There was one year of course work and another year of project work to complete before i got my degree.
The first 6 months were the best of my life. I went to swimming, gym, partied almost everyday. It was a living dream. And most of all I studied too. Well........lets not stress on my studying part more. I studied enough to get through regulations. Made new friends, many friends. Most of all I had time to do what i wanted to do. I was pretty arrogant too. Didn't care for rules, regulations. I came and went as i liked, studied as i wished. Midst of all these I didnt see the troubles i am going to face for all my actions that seemed fair enough then,
Actions & Consequences:
My first notable action was to write a letter of protest to the academic office complaining about the increase of fees. We didn't plan to spend all our scholarship on our fees. Well, not all of us planned to. I got my fees covered by my parents. But still being an NIT, I didnt expect it to loot us of our stipend in various forms of fees. So i wrote and stayed put for anything unexpected to happen. What followed was really unexpected, I got a call from the office requesting my presence. I obliged. The officer was holding a printout of my mail with a few official signatures on it and for the next half an hour, he asked "very politely" about the letter and cleared my doubts about the fee. When i came out, i decided to not to write a letter anymore for the sake of sparing myself from an irritatingly gruesome lecture.
My second action, though was completed in a matter of hours, its effect followed for the rest of my stay here, making my life miserable. I skipped a Seminar & Technical course work and went away to spend my summer vacation at my home which was not allowed to post graduates. The in-charge of the course called and asked me to submit my poster as a requirement of the course, so that she will not fail me and instead I get to pass with a decent grade. I obliged again. All seemed pleasant enough. I felt lucky. But when i came back, i found my grade unchanged, and i had an F in my grade sheet. For the months that followed my trips to academic office became routine though the clerk there forgot who i was everytime, like as if he had some kinda short term memory loss and i had to make him remember my name and the purpose of presence there.
A few weeks later, during one of my regular visits, I came to know the actual problem behind my unchanged grade. My name was never submitted for a grade change. Astonished, i went to the incharge of the course and she said she had sent the grade as soon as i submitted my poster, but there seems to have been a problem at the office itself. Another semester completed before the problem was sorted. When the last semester approached, i found myself drowning deep in trouble because of this. What seemed a matter of few minutes, became a career threatening task. I never expected these kind of consequences.
Now when i am just a hands reach from my freedom, the problem still stays unsolved because of the delays caused by the respectable faculty and staff members.
Conclusion or statement of fact:
Now there are 2 weeks left for me give a presentation, submit my thesis and run away from here. My project is a genius but due to lack of my interest, the project became hell and when i write my thesis, it looks more like a detective novel than theoretical project thesis. 14 days to breathe the air freely, live my life happily without any problems of education. Freedom here i come.
A brief mix-up of words:
I dont suggest or advise as to how to stay out of trouble. The word mistake exists because people get to commit a few mistakes. A student has to make a few to learn something out of it. But if the whole education system is flawed, you have to be careful about your moves. When i first entered PG, i wanted to study more, now all i want is to get away from this damned place with my degree in my hand and never to look back. This is not a conclusion I have reached because of my actions. Almost every student in NIT accounts for this. Every PG student sees hell in here. The flaw is that infectious. These high profile institutes are not for post graduates, these are a living dream for a graduate but not any further. The jobs you are offered are mediocre, the life and the respect you get for qualifying one of the toughest examinations in INDIA is almost negligible. At 23 years, which is the youngest for a PG, you get to write home work , imposition. The facilities are absolute shit compared to real time research labs but you are expected to deliver amazing results and innovative thoughts.
What is wrong with having an option of flexibility in education?
Absolute 100% concentrated raging bull's shit is what present education system offers in a silver bowl!!!!!!
References:
Go to hell dear reader, to you, i bequeath my narration of a series of events, not experimental work submitted after reviewing scores of literatures. In other words,  I get to cite myself. 

Terror of being controlled

There is not time for quoting, so lemme come straight to the point. How would it feel to have your life controlled by someone else? How would it feel if the options laid out in front of you are chosen by some one else after a careful assessment of your future. Fact is that we wouldn't even know that there are in fact other options but we weren't allowed to check 'em out. The state of fear, as said by michael crichton in his novel, perfectly suits the scenario that happens in our daily life. All these rules and regulations were brought in to bring order out of the chaos. But there is a never an ideal world, even with all these guidelines, the chaos still emerges out of the bloom, to destroy every part of empire built upon trust.
                                                             The reason behind the chaos now continuing is the repulsion against being controlled. Nobody wants their life to be in the hands of someone who is so corrupted that you can feel the stench even if he is a state far away. No one can maintain control over a single individual for a indefinite amount of time, let alone a country. No matter how confined you make it to a sincere system, corruption eventually finds a back door to creep through the deepest cores. You hide the truth and make the people believe that they have to follow the rules to create a safer, perfect organisation. But you forget one thing: what would happen if the truth is revealed? Nothing, just the system would collapse like a castle built of playing cards.
        The terror of being controlled is so intense that there is no withstanding when one eventually finds out how simpler life could have been if those didnt exist. And all they have to do is to cross them. A system, a corruption  free world, an organisation built with trust can only survive if there is an option of flexibility available to everyone. Flexibility that can allow people to go on with their lives without the fear of losing 'em for a single dull mistake they have overlooked. Not everything is a big deal, not everything can induce a problematic mole. No need to punish everyone for a crime that isnt actually a crime but a silly misunderstanding of the working protocol of the experiment.
Honestly, i have no idea as to why i keep writing these but i felt like it and here it is. 

Life, it should go on, you idiot!!

The more you feel it, the more you want it and eventually it becomes a need that you can not possible ignore even it is far away from you. Just the feeling of being in it is ecstasy. It doesn't come alone. Lot other feelings, few you may have never experienced before will be forming inside you. People become mad, few become monsters, it is the most powerful feeling. No one can escape it. Few manage to divert it. You feel jealous if somebody else is in your way, you feel the urge to complain, urge to do something than to sit idle. Not even a minute amount of peace will be there for you. Unless it accepts you and it becomes mutual, you will feel like you are in a competition and suddenly you want to win it. Everything changes, the way of your life, the way how you see things, the way you believe, everything. Its Love. Love, a feeling derived from the action of some hormones in our brain. Love alone can make every nerve in you body twitch, writhe with agony. Should you fail in it, the total meaning of life seems completely senseless. Only the will to live can over power love.
There is no voice for the pain i feel,
neither can i project it on.
It's hard to explain,
but still life goes on.
At this moment, speech is pointless,
hence i write this down!
Argument seemed senseless,
that is why i failed to mention!
Living turned out to be meaningless,
and so came the death's intervention!
Ascending the stairs, i felt a jolt,
which lasted long enough that,
there was nothing left of me to revolt!
The way of life, it changed,
the rage it doesn't make me frown,
rather, i feel like i've slowed down!
Once i challenged the fate,
but realized it's a grave mistake, and bowed down to it with haste and hate!
Still life goes on!!
No matter how much shame,
i face and i claim,
there's not a hitch in time,
for me to go back and make it right!!
The courageous heart took flight,
the daring persona, is now afraid, derailed and deranged!!!
Dazed with irritation, confused with frustration, i look at the sky,
and watch the plain vast blue..
to remember something that was always true.....that,
Life goes on!!!! and it should you idiot!!!!!!

The Predator & the Prey

This is not about the species thing like we watch in discovery or animal planet television shows, but rather it is about the two kinds of personalities that exist in us. Whatever it might be, the basic principle remains the same
: the predator either kills or the prey escapes, both co-existing together will only make things a little complex.
          We think in many ways for every move we make, we weigh the outcomes and decide which way to go, which way to step ahead. Fortunately few of us are more capable in this than others and they live on without any major hiccups. But the rest, we get stuck in a dilemma, to chose the right option, to make the right decision.
Nobody is perfect and nobody can escape without making a mistake!
              Whatever i do, the outcome of my action will decide whether i am going to be a predator or prey. I am the predator and prey of myself. Its tough deciding which part of me, i have to let go, because the weaker part has the stronger connection and i live it everyday, but the stronger part comes to use occasionally to save my ass from getting into troubles that have a perspective to vanquish the purpose of life.
         The Prey:
               " I can't take it anymore. Things are not as they usually were! I am beginning to sense the stares and laughs when i pass by, i can sense people thinking about me as a loser, good-for-nothing brat who spends his time reading bullshit and passing time without any seriousness of his aims and goal. My friends think of me as a bad influence, one, no one can understand because i am being unpredictable. They decide whether i'm in or not. I am depending on others without any other option, because i screwed up my life pretty bad. I let others empower me. I want to change but how can i if i am not interested, if i don't like what i've to do to get back to my former self or rather to enter a door which leads me to former self. "
       The Predator:
               "I am the former self. This happens to me all the time. I am the best when i am least expected. For some reason, i don't have that grip to stay longer than usual, just to take myself a little higher than others. I leave as soon as i achieve something. I don't care the stares, the laughs and the talks behind me. For me, I kick ass if anybody gets in my way. I do things if i like them. My life has to be like this. I am an achiever, everybody is. If everyone can achieve something, why can't i? I can, time has come to prove myself again and this time i am gonna make my stand. People had their chance and they have done pretty well in gaining a upper hand on me, but no more. They have crossed the threshold limit and now they'll see what i am capable of when i am serious about what i do!"
            These two thoughts are always there! The desire to make myself worthy, make myself different never leaves. Life is never complex, its easy to survive, you just have to figure out which is the path. You may not have a chance to turn around and go back but you can always make a new path ahead for yourself. Time has come to taste a little change in atmosphere!!!!!!!!!

The achiever who lost it all!!!!

For my comfortability sake, I'm gonna write it as if it's my own experience!!

It was 1999 and elders were just expecting their kids to be in top position wherever they are! If everyone is a topper, then INDIA would be already leading the world right? So, to save world from that disaster i aspired to be what i am rather than to be a topper. But my parents weren't! They wanted me to score full in every examination, i mean who wants their kid to get full score in 7th standard. Well, my parents did and they tried very hard to get everything into my brain but, in vain. Five years later I am the second top scorer from my school in tenth standard. Everybody were surprised to see me score that much, but then was when i heard the word "Achiever"!! I didnt feel like i deserved it but i wanted it so badly, to feel like an achiever. Intermediate (+2) passed without any adventures as everybody seemed to just get into IIT's and NIT's. Don't expect much, because i failed every GOD damn competitive examination and got a seat in a local engineering college which had 25 years of experience in training arseholes (engineers)! Engineering passed with a few hiccups but right on time. Then came the surprise everybody was waiting for! The exam which decided who's an achiever, "GATE"!!!!, with which you could get into national institutes for continuing masters. Everybody were seen with their mouths and eyes gaping wide enough for a bug to enter,... to watch me with an AIR (All India Rank). Well, then i felt like i am an achiever and i deserved it! I can say a line which suits me better." I am best when i am least expected."  Masters was a visible challenge which i ignored without any second thought. I achieved more than anyone had ever expected. I didn't foresee my future to feel like everything's gonna be okay. I knew when to worry, i knew when to study, i knew when somebody says "get ur arse up here and study till your brain's exhausted and you can't take it anymore! " But what's the point in doing all this if that doesn't have a reason. The reason was there for me. I had to make my elders happy and proud, for once i wanted them to feel like giving birth was never a mistake! I wanted my parents, my friends, my relatives to feel proud of me and to watch them say my name aloud and tell to everyone that they know me! I wanted to be famous just to watch everyone i knew get delighted. But what did i miss amidst of all these? I never thought about what i want. I achieved a top score in two toughest examinations in the world, but for whose sake? I never wanted it to sate my thirst. I wanted it for others. I just wanted a peaceful life for me! I am 28 now and i earn a lot than anyone can ever imagine. I work in a MNC because of IIM degree which i got through CAT (the 2nd achievement) ! But for whose sake! I am not a man of conciousness, I dont have a generous heart to take care of others! Its not because i dont care, but i never grew up thinking about others! I just wanted to make my elders feel proud and not to be disappointed with me.

                                                                      The years i spent studying did not teach me how to live, how to survive, the knowledge did not teach me how to be selfless, how to actually live like a human. I've become a machine which i hate to use. My girl doesn't want me near her because she felt like i only wanted her to be my maid, to be my pleasure machine. May be that's true. I achieved and anybody will say i am not an  achiever, but to me there is nothing that i can say i feel proud of achieving that, i never have! Now i dont have anything. If i die, i will not be buried traditionally, nobody will cry for me! I am just another organism in all other countless other organisms!!
            Who am I? I am an achiever who lost it all!! Or felt like i lost it all! ;)

Prejudice of being in love!!!!!!

There was a girl who stole my heart........i'm just being silly....let me start it again....there was a girl whom i once liked, liked so much that i asked her to marry me, in time. I was barely out of teenage and there i was, deciding about whom to marry. She told me that i am a sincere lover but that she is not worthy of my love, the reason as to why she felt like that, i never knew, for she chose the only way I would let her go from my life....insult! The moment she told me that she never did wanted me in her life and so i had to get the hell out of her life and to never contact her again, i immediately obliged.
This unfortunate event, i never wished
for my love, as i never wanted it perished!
but alas, i knew the truth
that my love wasn't real as i had thought!
Before all this happened, i never thought i would get over her if at all she left me and i would move on. I wanted to suffer, i wanted to cry, i welcomed darkness, that pain was indescribable. I might have lost it, not the will to live, because i liked my life, i didn't want to end up like another failed lover for i know the world has already scores of them! but the will to love, as at that moment for a fraction of second, i despised them. The failure is nothing, it just stays there for a moment , but the memory of it, it never leaves unless you get over it. It just lingers there, in your weakest part of mind, trying to control you, making you desperate to give into depression. Suddenly the beauty of the world around you just slips into background, the senses work but you don't notice them any more.  Every happy face you see, you envy, hate occupies the place of love, eventually destroying you. But i got over it, i liked my life too much to lose it over a failed attempt of getting in a relationship. The control wasn't that strong, for in just few days, i began to feel normal again, the sunlight was warm over my skin, just the feel of it made me live and ignore the sorrow. It drove away the darkness. The breeze, the warming rays of morning light, it was like protection. It made me feel safe! and i knew i moved on. Never again did it feel bad again but more than that i was glad and still am that she told me leave. Not only because i realised that i only liked her very much but never loved her, but also life gave me another girl, the one i dreamt for years, the one i only wished i'd fall in love with. "A dream come true"- you should know , i used this phrase so often that i really couldn't believe in dreams coming true. So many years of waiting that made me believe that , that particular girl did not exist. Finally i met her. I know what you must be feeling like, "history repeats itself" , girl breaks up, guy falls in love another girl! Well, how low it may sound, it is the nature of life, it is how life is intended to be. This i am not telling to support myself but it is true. True love doesn't mean that you need to destroy yourself if the girl rejects you. Love is always true, but if it doesn't work out, if your partner doesn't feel like it towards you, may be she is not the right one! Your love is always true as long as you stay sincere to it! Try hard, Love sincerely, still if its a failure, its not your fault anymore, so just move on! Because there is more, out in the world, the nature is always there with its arms wide open to welcome you to live, to be a part of its beauty. And for that you need only do one thing! Have the will, never lose it for a person who is not a match for you. She might be a good person but if she doesn't feel your love, she isn't the right one! Why die over a faulty cause, when there is whole world of true love out there, when there is your true love waiting somewhere for you to go and live with her happily everafter!!! May be i found mine, for now atleast i feel like it. If she agrees, which she has to for i am a very stubborn idiot who doesn't give it up easily, we might enjoy the taste of love. Tempting, isn't it...the very feel of being in love...the shock you feel when you look at the face of the one you love, the craving that is in your body to feel her, to have her in your arms, to kiss, its just beautiful!!!!

Come my love for i need to embrace
i want to feel the love's grace!

Nothing is as pure,
so there was never any need for cure!
We just thought we lost it,
for our mind and heart believed what we wanted to believe,
For just once if people think of trying once more,
there will be no suicides anymore!
Life, for it has only purpose,
you have to move on,

die if you want to
but know that its not the end and never even in your dreams say that you are dying because you lost your love! because that is the lie you believed and the whole world believed and still believes!!!!!!

Chapter one: The beggar on a busy street!

This is the first chapter of a story i'm likely to finish in a few days if time permits me. I'm sure if i will have enough time, i could make it entertaining and electrifying..well that depends too because i'm still an amateur blogger!
                                                   
In chess, there would be times when a well placed pawn is more stronger than the king himself! whether it can be applied in real world and in controversial phenomena? well, anything can happen and not all situatinos are strictly in control of the hands which hold the strings, right?
Well here goes the tale or moreover a fiction fuelled incident that is likely to become my first step towards becoming a writer:
 A beggar who knew a face well enough to describe it to a sketch artist, will be a mistake overlooked if that face is going behind bars for a crime that the owner of that face committed and was going to escape without any trouble.

                                                            The Beggar on a busy street 
                                                                                                              M.G.Road, Bangalore. 7:30 p.m.
Bangalore, the city of green or so its residents call it, is a very busy one with all its roads flooded with traffic in the working hours. Employees rushing off to offices, students to colleges, "ahh" its a irritating sight to watch. In the evenings its a whole different place and of course the traffic is still there, but this time you'll observe the partyharders all over the place with their sport bikes and cars. There is no specific day you can fix to a young bachelor for partying, right? Bangalore, it offers a irresistible night life if you are to welcome it!
                                            It so happened that steve was on his way to UB city, a place where every brick  in that building screams money. He was taking a parabolic turn (U-turn) and go for the entrance gate and its when it happened. Something flew out of air and fell on his car hood making him to jolt out of his cool demeanour and shriek with shock. A fraction of second later he hears a scream coming from the back seat  from his friend who was similarly shocked to discover that object which fell on the car was a body, which is now behind the car on the road. Steve immediately got down to check whether that was his fault. One thing that is common in every part of the world, no matter how busy people might be, they immediately lose all their focus on their daily routines and gather around an accident which happens near them and believe me, not all are going to call an ambulance or going to offer a helping hand. India is no different than the rest of the world. There was already a crowd gathering around steve's car or moreover the body that is behind steve's car by the time he got out. When he saw the body, he could not utter a single word. This wasn't due to the shock of recognition he made to the body but just he didn't know what to say. That body was of a beggar's! And in the gap of the crowd, he also saw a person watching the commotion, get into his car and drive away. Steve could bet that he saw something red on the corner of the headlight of the car, only that it was shattered now.