The Solitude

In every year, i look forward to two days in particular, my birthday and December 31st!! On these two days i make sure to make myself peaceful and happy. However, this year was way out of ordinary. no matter how hard i tried to  pull myself together to welcome new year , i simply couldn't. Right from morning everything was disturbing! I used to be prefer loneliness, it was very comfortable, no matter how isolated i was every day, i used to enjoy those two days to full.
                                                My life was everyone's dream, because it provided security, enjoyment and above all , satisfaction without any interruption! Solitude was my best friend, it taught me to stay careful, to stay in right sense, to stay independent. But i wanted to change, to live inside a society rather than to lurk in a dark corner. I left my solitude and came outside to see how it'll be in a group.
                                                                                                 At first everything was fine, there were a few glitches, but i was able to handle them. Life was brighter, the new path i chose seemed welcoming, but there were still cracks in myself, the solitary part of me kept pulling me back into its clutches, to make feel lonely again. one moment i am enjoying and the other i am isolated. Gradually the solitude became to haunt me like a ghost resurrected from the past. It was like an addiction that i couldn't escape from. I had friends, may be i still have, but i wanted completely to myself. I can feel that there is something wrong with my mind, but who can cure someone who is no harm to society, but prefers to remain isolated.
                       This particular day, the 31st of December, friends were enjoying to DJ songs and i found myself away from them doing nothing but staring at them from the top of the building. For a moment i wondered if i am the only person who is so damaged that he cannot bear the presence of a group of friends. Then i saw another student arranging his bed to sleep while his friends are literally rocking the party downstairs. There are people like me, who want to remain lonely. I don't know the cure for this loneliness. I like this solitude and at the same time i keep expecting someone to care about me, to come and drag me out my solitary. This is a psychological disorder.
I had someone to whom i used to share all my feelings, my sadness and my happiness, but i lost them too out of arrogant behaviour.
If everything happens for a reason, then i would like know that damn reason for me to be like this. There is no friendship, but just acquaintance.
For me there is no one to rely on,
in my life, i just have to go on!
lonely without any support,
my journey continues to where lies a boat!
that can take me to solitude,
b'coz for now, it offers me fortitude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is 'the solitude' of mine. 

A faulty pleasure and a lost purpose!

There is silence in the air,
Realization hits me as calmness crept into my mind.
I open my eyes and find myself getting strangled by guilt. This guilt is not of a crime I've committed, but of the life I've wasted.
There's no use repenting, but I've nowhere to go. I made myself bound to be like this, waiting to be released by an unknown hand.
Worthy of no one, this life of mine is of no use. There is nothing but filth, residing in a dark corner. I see myself squandering the wealth of freedom. Time, that is valuable, still makes its presence at the end of the tunnel, but still i hesitate to move forward. Mistakes from the past haunt me, they do no want me to get rid of this guilt. Thoughts are in sync with my guilt, i keep hating myself.
Suddenly love seems far away,
sacrifice only, leads the way. Hell is not afar, waiting to welcome me into its core to punish me for the life I've led till now.
There is no honor, there is no good in being what i am. Life is for a purpose and i happen to escape from the very roots of responsibility. Pleasure is what I've been seeking, unable to distinguish between the materialistic and the psychological one.
I do not worship out of faith, but of selfishness, always eager to flee from the purpose and now i do not know what i am, when the life lost its cause. My life lost its meaning, thrown out of happiness. I stumble upon thoughts which are nothing but a wisp of smoke. I look myself in the mirror and i stare in astonishment at my eyes as of the moment, behind those lids, there is nothing but vacant space.
 this load of mine, i cannot bear,
there is nothing in there to spare,
everything i touch is filth,
the reason is nothing but my guilt.
i am crying out to take away this pain,
that is making me insane,
i have to believe,
that there is still chance to relieve
myself, i look forward to hope,
before i tumbled down the slope.

the relevance factor!!!

We cannot come to a conclusion without knowing and analyzing the truth and facts. 

                                                                              Present world is competitive, no matter what your interests are, if you want to survive, you need money and for money, there is a little chance of getting it, by excelling in your interests. There are millions, who were not given the chance to chose, because as soon as they were born, they were meant to be something their elders wished. I happen to be one of them, though i was not chosen to be someone, but was required to concentrate on studies alone, leaving my own interests aside. As time passed, i searched for something that i be interested in, in the choices left before me. I was given an option to chose, but the choices laid before me were chosen, not by me but by others. How many more people are there outside who are like me? No one cares, because there is nothing to lose if an interest is sacrificed to survive in the competitive world. I am doing my masters in which i have absolutely no interest at all! Why do i do, what i do? 

The Relevance factor, which is important to your success in life and for your satisfaction, is not there for me any more. I miss it. I get to realize that i am good with numbers and pursue my education in biotechnology, then again join for masters in biomedical engineering. And i obtain a job with the help of skill in numbers. A job in IT company. Only one question rings in my mind always! what the hell am i doing? No satisfaction, no relevancy to what i read, what i study and what i do for a living. Still i am happy, its funny that one can be happy, not because of something that made him happier, but because, he got used to irrelevance in his life. 

                    

Life as it seemed to be!!!

Its been almost a week since i left my room, except for food in the dining hall! Sitting in my room , all day, left me thinking, about few things over and over, but getting nowhere. When you have nothing to do, even if you have something to do, but there is lack of interest, then you are left with free time. I had this kind of time before.  Three years back, i had a little accident and was left to rest with a synthetic PoP on my right leg for one whole month. I had nothing to do except to spend my time by thinking about what i am, why did i act, what really did matter to me, what do i care for, where do i stand with what i've done till now!! believe me these are few things that screw you up completely if you do not have the correct answers. What happened a month after my recovery was completely opposite of how i lived before. Dont expect too much of a change, i didnt become an ascetic but changed my way of seeing things and acting accordingly. When you endure a physical injury that renders you helpless and what boosts your recovery is just your hope, you will definitely notice a change in the world around you. After three years, now, i dont have any physical injuries to bring me hope again, but i have time, which is exactly what i need to sort things out. Though time seems to go faster than it really is, i am still left with a lot of time than others.  Life, as it seemed to be, is becoming brighter while the darkness that engulfed me till now is retreating slowly. Every one hopes for a better future, so do i!!!! 

We are proud to be Indians

i am not good in historical figures, but being an Indian and living in this country i know pretty much how much we Indians feel proud of our country's culture and integrity. But like the rest of world we too dwell in our culture's history, never coming out of that hole and see for ourselves, what really is happening around us. The crime has taken many forms, in the past decades. Medical conditions, greed, jealousy, helplessness, unemployment, etc., If we are so proud about India, then why the hell does these crimes related to "girl child death", "dowry", take place. There is nothing great about it and the culprits, because of whom innocent girls suffered roam in the streets or else live happily ever after in prison. What do the human activities counsel about how a family suffers if one of their own dies a terrible and cruel death. They wont allow the law to give to those criminals what they deserve. i see numerous posts on Facebook, and even for a small fraction of time, wonder , what the hell is wrong with this country? its like only our country has a record of blind beliefs and old traditions that seem to have costing lives. Things need to change, world is not gonna end but mankind will !!